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Writing HELP!

Zei

Member
Member
So I've been writing a story for a few days now, intending to make it to choicescript once its finished, but i feel like there's something wrong with it. I suspect lack of emotion or too linear, idk i only been a writer for a few months. I don't know about this stuff, so i want your help on finding whats wrong with it. Anything is okay really im not looking for really brilliant critique just enough so i can pinpoint whats been bothering me, thank you.

The following story is a bit cringe and bad so please don't raise your expectation too high, or you might end up dissapointed. Also its only a short part of the book, and when i mean short really short so dont expect something 30k words or something the biggest i did was 6k and that was a long time ago:

- - -

If you peer at the window for too long. You will see the realm of discordance flicker to oblivion. --

Darkness, it utterly consumes you. Like ravenous fire clawing its way to firm dried leaves. Suffocating, encompassing. As if you were floating at the midst of the sea, as an anthracite storm brew aggressively at the horizon.

At the distance, you could see the monstrous jaw of the murky void. Moving at the speed of celerity, destroying everything on its path. Like a century old storm ready to shatter anything that gets on its way.

You do not recall, how long, and why you got here. You try searching your brain for any clue on when, and what got you into this mess. But it seems the effort is in vain as nothing but silence greets you.

Suddenly a sudden shake shocks the empty darkened ambience, that is the void.

Flabbergasted, you frantically turn your head around to find nothing but the dark empty space that is emptiness.

You want to pretend that it was just your imagination playing a trick on you, but the reality of the situation is too sudden and vivid, for it to be in your mind.

Instead you endeavor on finding anything that can help you get a grasp on where you are and what that was, when suddenly. The world exploded to a thousand fragments of broken terracotta and sandstone.

## ? Millenia ago:

You were walking down a sandy path on the desert, in the midst of a storm.

Moistened sweat pouring down your face and to the rest of your physique. Staining your cloth and garment, as suddenly your feet come to a abrupt halt for an unknown reason.

You try moving your legs. But the effort seems to be futile, as the sand around your feet. Completely claw unto your boots, rendering your footwear useless and making your feet inert.

It has been approximately three days since you started this journey. At that time the things you've been able to see was, a endless cycle of sand and rigid sandstone.

You had hope, you'll reach the nearest settlement before three cycles of the moon has passed. But it seems that hope has simply vanish when you truly get the glimpse of the complete grand scale of the aranian wasteland.

Letting out a deep sigh of exasperation. You try moving your legs again, in hope you might be able to obliterate the inertia surrounding your foot. but you only made it worse when the sand around it, only glued deeper into your footwear.

Keeping your demeanor calm. You contemplate on what to do next, when suddenly a bright red flash cloaked the nearby sky. Turning everything into pandemonium.

The once abated storm, has once again turned into a whirling anarchic mess. Thousands of hundreds of pile saturated small particles, spin in every direction.

Settling inside your cloth. Inside your eyes. It continues until finally... your covered in a plump of sand. Not having the ability to breath, darkness takes over you in a matter of seconds.

- - -
 

verdigris

Active member
Member
1. Keep all your tenses the same. If you're writing in the present, keep it in the present.

2. Be careful of sentence fragments. While you're not writing an essay, and can therefore use incomplete sentences or sentence phrases on their own, over using them will take away from their punch when you do use them.

3. Make sure that you're using the right prepositions when using idioms.

4. Show, don't tell. Use the active voice, not the passive voice so that readers mob your game and cause the servers to shut down, and not so that the servers were shut down because the game was mobbed by people.

----

If you peer at the window for too long. You , you will see the realm of discordance flicker to oblivion. --

Darkness, it utterly consumes you. Like , like ravenous fire clawing its way to firm dried leaves. Suffocating, encompassing. As if With the anthracite storm brewing aggressively on the horizon, It is as though you were are floating at in the midst of the sea, as an anthracite storm brew aggressively at the horizon.

At In the distance, you could can see the monstrous jaw of the murky void. M , moving at the speed of celerity (edit: celerity means to move swiftly, so writing "speed of celerity" is redundant. Maybe write "moving with celerity" instead?) and destroying everything on its path. Like a century old storm ready to shatter anything that gets on its way (Edit: Honestly, this reads as a little redundant. I like the imagery of a storm-like void, but it'd be more pithy to combine it, maybe something like "celerity, a century old storm destroying everything in its path". )

You do not recall, how long, and why you got here. You try searching your brain for any clue on when, and what got you into this mess. But it seems the effort is in vain as nothing but silence greets you.

Suddenly a sudden (edit: redundant. Get rid of one of the suddens) shake shocks the empty darkened ambience, that is the void. (Edit: I'm confused. Are you saying that the void has a darkened ambience? If so, then it should read "the darkened ambience which is the void". Or are you saying that the void was the cause of the sudden shake which rocked the darkened ambience? Because if so, then you can end the sentence after ambience and "That is the void" can be its own standalone sentence.)

Flabbergasted, you frantically turn your head around to but find nothing but the dark empty space that is emptiness (Edit: Redundant redundancies).

You want to pretend that it was is just your imagination playing a trick on you, but the reality of the situation is too sudden and vivid, for it to be in your mind.

Instead you endeavor on finding to find anything that can help you get a grasp on where you are and what that (edit: what is the "that" you are referring to? I can already think of several phenomena I'd like explanations for, such as the void, how I'm seeing in wholly encompassing darkness, what I'm standing in that has a window, etc) was when suddenly. The the world exploded into to a thousand fragments of broken terracotta and sandstone.

## ? Millenia ago:

You were are walking down a sandy path on in the desert, in the midst of a storm.

Moistened sweat (Edit: as opposed to...dry sweat?) pouring pours (Edit: a gerund does not a verb make (at least, not in English)) down your face and to the rest of your physique (Edit: There's something weird about this part of the sentence). S , staining your cloth and garment, as . Suddenly your feet come to a abrupt halt (Edit: Suddenly and abrupt are both redundant in this sentence. Choose one and get rid of the other) for an unknown reason. (Edit: Stylistically, I probably would've put "for an unknown reason" as it's own sentence. Maybe something like: "Why you have stopped, you do not know." But that's just my own taste.)

You try moving your legs. But the effort seems to be futile, as the sand around your feet. Completely claw unto your boots, rendering your footwear useless and making your feet inert. (Edit: I'm crying here. Why are you putting so many periods? Please, make your sentence fragments real sentences!!! I'm begging you!!! DDDDDDDDDDDX)

It has been approximately three days since you started this journey. At that time (Edit: and what time is that? During the journey? The day when I'm walking through a storm instead of taking cover? Yesterday evening when I was trying to take a dump?) the things you've been able to see was you saw were an endless cycle of sand and rigid sandstone.

You had hoped, that you would have you'll reached the nearest settlement before three cycles of the moon has had passed. But it seems that hope has had simply vanished when you truly get got a true the glimpse of the complete grand scale of the aranian (Edit: Should aranian be capitalized?) wasteland.

Letting out a deep sigh of exasperation. You , you try moving your legs again, in the hope you might be able to obliterate the inertia (edit: I'm assuming you mean that I want to step out of the sand that's surrounding my feet, not that I want to defy gravity? Please be specific, because it makes it sound like my character wants to rocket off into the sky like a DBZ character) surrounding your foot (edit: so only one foot is stuck in the sand?). but you only made make it worse when the sand around it, only glued glues deeper into your footwear (Edit: Holy shit! The sand is not only surrounding my foot/feet, but it's actually embedding itself into my footwear??? I'm going to be eaten!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!) .

Keeping your demeanor calm. Y , you are contemplate on contemplating what to do next, when suddenly a bright red (Edit: is the flash bright and red? If so, then it should be "bright, red flash". If the flash is a brightly-colored red, then keep it as "bright red") flash cloaked the nearby sky. Turning , turning everything into pandemonium.

The once previously abated storm, has once again turned into a whirling anarchic (Edit: a bit of a strange choice of word. Anarchic is usually used to describe governments, the behavior of people, or societies, not, uh, natural phenomenon) mess. Thousands of hundreds Hundreds of thousands of pile saturated small particles (Edit: I honestly have no idea what this means) , spin in every direction.

Settling inside your cloth. Inside your eyes. It continues until finally... your covered in a plump of sand. (Edit: This sentence is a mess. For a second, I thought that I was settling inside my cloth. When I read "Inside your eyes", I realized that I probably wasn't inside my own eyes, and then started to wonder what, exactly, was inside the cloth with me. It wasn't until I read the word 'sand' at the very end of the sentence (!!!!) that I realized that it was sand inside my cloth and sand inside my eyes. Also, I don't know what a plump of sand is. Please re-write this sentence so I'm not covered in mountains of mystification or drowning in pits of puzzlement). Not having the ability able to breath, darkness takes over you in a matter of seconds.
 
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Zei

Member
Member
1. Keep all your tenses the same. If you're writing in the present, keep it in the present.

2. Be careful of sentence fragments. While you're not writing an essay, and can therefore use incomplete sentences or sentence phrases on their own, over using them will take away from their punch when you do use them.

3. Make sure that you're using the right prepositions when using idioms.

4. Show, don't tell. Use the active voice, not the passive voice so that readers mob your game and cause the servers to shut down, and not so that the servers were shut down because the game was mobbed by people.

----

If you peer at the window for too long. You , you will see the realm of discordance flicker to oblivion. --

Darkness, it utterly consumes you. Like , like ravenous fire clawing its way to firm dried leaves. Suffocating, encompassing. As if With the anthracite storm brewing aggressively on the horizon, It is as though you were are floating at in the midst of the sea, as an anthracite storm brew aggressively at the horizon.

At In the distance, you could can see the monstrous jaw of the murky void. M , moving at the speed of celerity (edit: celerity means to move swiftly, so writing "speed of celerity" is redundant. Maybe write "moving with celerity" instead?) and destroying everything on its path. Like a century old storm ready to shatter anything that gets on its way (Edit: Honestly, this reads as a little redundant. I like the imagery of a storm-like void, but it'd be more pithy to combine it, maybe something like "celerity, a century old storm destroying everything in its path". )

You do not recall, how long, and why you got here. You try searching your brain for any clue on when, and what got you into this mess. But it seems the effort is in vain as nothing but silence greets you.

Suddenly a sudden (edit: redundant. Get rid of one of the suddens) shake shocks the empty darkened ambience, that is the void. (Edit: I'm confused. Are you saying that the void has a darkened ambience? If so, then it should read "the darkened ambience which is the void". Or are you saying that the void was the cause of the sudden shake which rocked the darkened ambience? Because if so, then you can end the sentence after ambience and "That is the void" can be its own standalone sentence.)

Flabbergasted, you frantically turn your head around to but find nothing but the dark empty space that is emptiness (Edit: Redundant redundancies).

You want to pretend that it was is just your imagination playing a trick on you, but the reality of the situation is too sudden and vivid, for it to be in your mind.

Instead you endeavor on finding to find anything that can help you get a grasp on where you are and what that (edit: what is the "that" you are referring to? I can already think of several phenomena I'd like explanations for, such as the void, how I'm seeing in wholly encompassing darkness, what I'm standing in that has a window, etc) was when suddenly. The the world exploded into to a thousand fragments of broken terracotta and sandstone.

## ? Millenia ago:

You were are walking down a sandy path on in the desert, in the midst of a storm.

Moistened sweat (Edit: as opposed to...dry sweat?) pouring pours (Edit: a gerund does not a verb make (at least, not in English)) down your face and to the rest of your physique (Edit: There's something weird about this part of the sentence). S , staining your cloth and garment, as . Suddenly your feet come to a abrupt halt (Edit: Suddenly and abrupt are both redundant in this sentence. Choose one and get rid of the other) for an unknown reason. (Edit: Stylistically, I probably would've put "for an unknown reason" as it's own sentence. Maybe something like: "Why you have stopped, you do not know." But that's just my own taste.)

You try moving your legs. But the effort seems to be futile, as the sand around your feet. Completely claw unto your boots, rendering your footwear useless and making your feet inert. (Edit: I'm crying here. Why are you putting so many periods? Please, make your sentence fragments real sentences!!! I'm begging you!!! DDDDDDDDDDDX)

It has been approximately three days since you started this journey. At that time (Edit: and what time is that? During the journey? The day when I'm walking through a storm instead of taking cover? Yesterday evening when I was trying to take a dump?) the things you've been able to see was you saw were an endless cycle of sand and rigid sandstone.

You had hoped, that you would have you'll reached the nearest settlement before three cycles of the moon has had passed. But it seems that hope has had simply vanished when you truly get got a true the glimpse of the complete grand scale of the aranian (Edit: Should aranian be capitalized?) wasteland.

Letting out a deep sigh of exasperation. You , you try moving your legs again, in the hope you might be able to obliterate the inertia (edit: I'm assuming you mean that I want to step out of the sand that's surrounding my feet, not that I want to defy gravity? Please be specific, because it makes it sound like my character wants to rocket off into the sky like a DBZ character) surrounding your foot (edit: so only one foot is stuck in the sand?). but you only made make it worse when the sand around it, only glued glues deeper into your footwear (Edit: Holy shit! The sand is not only surrounding my foot/feet, but it's actually embedding itself into my footwear??? I'm going to be eaten!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!) .

Keeping your demeanor calm. Y , you are contemplate on contemplating what to do next, when suddenly a bright red (Edit: is the flash bright and red? If so, then it should be "bright, red flash". If the flash is a brightly-colored red, then keep it as "bright red") flash cloaked the nearby sky. Turning , turning everything into pandemonium.

The once previously abated storm, has once again turned into a whirling anarchic (Edit: a bit of a strange choice of word. Anarchic is usually used to describe governments, the behavior of people, or societies, not, uh, natural phenomenon) mess. Thousands of hundreds Hundreds of thousands of pile saturated small particles (Edit: I honestly have no idea what this means) , spin in every direction.

Settling inside your cloth. Inside your eyes. It continues until finally... your covered in a plump of sand. (Edit: This sentence is a mess. For a second, I thought that I was settling inside my cloth. When I read "Inside your eyes", I realized that I probably wasn't inside my own eyes, and then started to wonder what, exactly, was inside the cloth with me. It wasn't until I read the word 'sand' at the very end of the sentence (!!!!) that I realized that it was sand inside my cloth and sand inside my eyes. Also, I don't know what a plump of sand is. Please re-write this sentence so I'm not covered in mountains of mystification or drowning in pits of puzzlement). Not having the ability able to breath, darkness takes over you in a matter of seconds.
Oof thanks ill follow your suggestions. Thank you :D
 
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